Five months in

Today baby E turns five months. Five months! Everyone always tells you how quickly it rushes by but I still can't quite believe that in just a few weeks it will be half a year since that sunny Tuesday that E entered the world. I am enjoying being a mum and having this time at home with him so much. It's also given me a little bit of time and space on those long buggy walks to think about the work I want to do. Everything shifts when you become a mama and the thought of going back to work in an office next year for someone else doesn't appeal much.

I have a few ideas on the back burner and I am concentrating on getting Little Green Pig, my writing project for children and young people, back up and running with some funding. I have started running fortnightly workshops again and it feels great to be using the creative side of my brain again. And I have started writing again finally! But more on that soon.

Stolen moments

Things are so much better when you have them just once in a while. English strawberries eaten just in summer taste so much better than dull ones flown over from the other side of the world in February. A meal out with girlfriends I had this week felt like such a special, treasured occasion now that most of my evenings are spent at home with the baby. And today, a few stolen hours to myself out of the house to have some head space to blog, plan and to write. It feels such bliss, but it really is a necessity that I should give myself each week.

I have barely written anything since Elijah was born. My journal is gathering dust at the side of the bed. In an attempt to plunge back into the writing life I have signed up for Amy's e-course, The Handmade Writer. Amy had the bright and generous idea of having a 'pay what you can day' to sign up to her course so I clicked the button and did it. I like supporting women who are setting up their own creative businesses, especially from my side of the world. I am looking forward to having prompts to write each week. And as someone who teaches creative writing myself through my Little Green Pig Writing Project I enjoy being the chance to be the student.

How do you carve out creative time for yourself and stick to it? I'd love to hear your ideas.

The comfort of words

I love listening to words as well as reading them. I have always loved listening to stories, audiobooks on car and train journeys and the radio. I grew up with a mother who always had Radio 4 on in the background, as now I do, when I am cooking, cleaning, working.

Recently I have discovered the lovely podcasts by Marisa at Creative Thursday. Marisa's words have been inspiring me as I go on rainy evening walks, on sunny morning bus journeys to work, during moments at the day job where I feel I can't type out a single more word (yes, we are allowed to wear ipods at work). I love hearing the story of someone who has taken risks, jumped right in and is leading a truly creative life and is willing to share all she has learnt.

You can listen to Marisa's podcasts here at Creative Thursday.

What words are you listening to? 

The power of words

Last month I was excited to have a piece published in The Guardian's family section. It had only submitted it a week or so before and I by chance found an email in my junk folder saying it was going to be published the next day. 

I wrote it anonymously because it was a bit of a sensitive subject and I didn't want the people involved to read it. And I thought they never would. But by a weird twist of fate, my uncle happened to be with my mum when I texted here to tell her to go and buy the paper. She did, and began reading it aloud before she realised what it was about. I was mortified, and although my mum assured me my uncle wasn't, I felt so embarrassed to think he had read it. 

As I begin to write more and more this is something I wonder about. How much of the personal do you put into your writing. I know that when I write, the personal has a way of weaving itself in there. I can't shut it out, and I don't want to. But it can get me into trouble. Tonight I've been working on another piece about a friendship. Again, it is sensitive and I wouldn't want the person involved to read it. I will keep it anonymous and if it is published, it will be in a magazine I doubt she'll have even heard of. But even so, I feel slightly anxious about laying this story out on the page. 

Do you struggle with this too? What do you do with the personal stuff - leave it in or leave it out? Has writing ever got you into trouble? 

You can read my Guardian letter here.

Tonight I said no

Tonight I said no to going out for a drink

No to an evening of making small talk when I craved small silences

No to letting another evening drift by without writing

or giving myself space to think, or breathe.

Instead I said yes to a night to myself

Yes to a run along the seafront with the wind whipping away a stale day

Yes to the rough sea and the kite surfers playing with the elements

Yes to turning up my music loud and dancing

Yes to turning off the TV and thinking

Yes to an hour of writing, and feeling myself again. 

Step by step

I started running with a friend  a couple of years ago. At first we couldn't stagger for more than about 10 minutes but slowly, step by step, and week by week, we got fitter. I now go running down by the sea twice a week. Like writing, it is something that I sometimes love, sometimes hate, but that I always feel better when I've done it. Like getting out your pen and paper and writing your first word, the hardest part of going for a run is putting on your trainers and getting out the door. The rest of it is almost easy. Like writing, you just go with it.

Running gives me time and space to think. Ideas come to me, things work themselves out. It is great to go for a run when you have been hunched over the keyboard and you need something physical to get you out of your head. My favourite time to go is first thing in the morning before the world has awoken. I went out yesterday morning under a blue cloudless sky.It was already getting hot. As I ran through the streets I could smell wafts of roses and jasmine in people's front gardens and hear the sounds of children getting up for breakfast. The sea was as still as a lake. 

Do you run? If you don't, you should try it. Believe me, I was never the running kind but now I love it. Or what else do you recommend to get you out of your mind and into your body?

Space and solitude

Yesterday a couple of friends and I trekked through the fields to see Anish Kapoor's C-Curve. It was beautiful: a strange object that looked like it had been left by aliens. It reflected back hyper-real images of ourselves, the fields and the cows, like a mirror into another world. Adults and children posed and giggled in front of their reflections like in a funfair hall of mirrors. Cameras clicked and flashed. Voices rang out louder in the quiet of the fields. I found myself wishing there were just a few of us there, or that I was alone, to really take in the experience, to drink in the peace and the clouds above me with no one but the cows for company.

Perhaps this is because I have been craving space and solitude recently. I have been longing for a Virginia Woolf's room of one's own. This is a luxury I, like many of you I'm sure, just can't afford right now. A private study is some years away for me. Instead I write at the kitchen table, or on my bed. Where ever I can get peace. This is hard sometimes. I am not the Jane Austen type; my ideas dry up when people and noise flows around me. I need quiet to reach down and hear those words inside me. 

I have the flat to myself this weekend and I am revelling in the peace broken only by my tapping fingers and a ticking clock, and the muted sounds of the neighbours lives. 

How do you carve out your own solitude and space to create?

To see some stunning photos of the C-curve, look here. 

A writing high

I've found it hard to blog about writing recently when, erm, I haven't actually been doing much writing. This has changed in the last week or so. I've started working on something that's a completely different genre to what I usually write. I've taken myself out of my comfort zone but I'm finding it comfortable. The words are flowing.

I've been setting myself achievable targets of 20 - 30 minutes each day to work on this piece and I find that I nearly always end up writing for longer than that. Last night I had that delicious plunging-into-the-well feeling where you lose track of time and place and the words fly from your fingers. The almost magical feeling of when you read back over your work and you barely remember writing it. The words flow easily and unselfconsciously. The writer's high.

I know I won't always find it easy like this. Recently the tap has felt stiff and rusty, the words have come out in slow, painful drips. The challenge is choosing to write no matter how you feel, no matter how the words flow. But for the moment I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts. 

Settling

I went to see Revolutionary Road today. I was prepared for it to be hard hitting,  and it is, but at the same time it is powerful and honest and will make you squirm in recognition. The part that resonated with me was how important it is to have an outlet for your creativity, something you do not for the money, but because you love to do it. The film is the story of what happens when you ignore your creative passions, make excuses, and settle.

It reminded me of a piece I read in 'Women who run with the wolves' the other night:

'Excuses are another form of pollution. From women writers, painters, dancers, and other artists, I have heard every excuse concocted since the earth cooled. "Oh, I'll get round to it one of these days." In the meantime, she has the grinning depression. "I keep busy, yes I squeeze in my writing here and there, why I wrote two poems last year, yes, and finished one painting and part of another over the last eighteen months, yes, the house, the kids, the husband, the boyfriend, the cat, the toddler, need my consummate attention. I am going to get around to it, I don't have the time, I can't find the time, I can't make the time, I can't start until I have the finest most expensive instruments or experiences, I just don't feel like it right now, the mood is not right yet. I just ned at least a day's worth of time, I just need to have a few days' time to get it done,  I just need to have a few weeks of time to myself to get it done, I just, just, just..."

What excuses do you make to yourself and how do you overcome them?

P.S On a lighter note, Kate Winslet gets to wear some great 50s outfits.